The Red Planet

The ice caps on Mars are melting! The oceans have dried up. The Martian polar bear and many other forms of Martian plant and animal life have long died out. All of Martian life, indeed the planet itself, is in grave danger of total annihilation!

Such phenomena could never have occurred naturally. Martian global warming experts insist that the Martian climate changes have nothing to do with natural warming cycles, sunspots, solar flares, or anything else that has caused similar climate changes for the last few billion years. On the contrary, the Martians have obviously exhausted all of their planet’s natural resources. They are killing the planet!

Critics of Martian global warming argue Martian-made climate change is merely a hoax. They point to such so-called evidence as recent cooling trends, Mars’ natural history of violent and rapid climate change, changes in the sun, and the myth of an actual scientific consensus. They claim Martian citizens, such as the former Martian Vice President, have made millions while neglecting to practice what they preach; moreover, they accuse Martian politicians of using the so-called hoax to chip away at the personal liberties of the Martian population. Who are these critics to argue with a consensus, real or imaginary, of Martian global warming experts? After all, what would a Martian global warming expert have to lose if global warming turned out to be a farce?

Beyond the immediate effects to Mars, we must consider the effects that the destruction of Mars will have on the remainder of the solar system. Among many possible disasters that may occur as a direct result, the Martians may migrate here, use their superior technology to conquer Earth, and bleed it dry as well. Where will the madness stop if the Martians persist? We must do something to curb Martian global warming before it is too late!